I am operating in numb mode these days, I just do what I have to do, and I don't think too much about why I'm doing it. It's just easier that way right now. Jim told me again on Friday that he was sorry that I had to deal with all of this "stuff" I don't even know how to respond to that.
He hasn't been out of the house since last Tuesday, and truthfully I don't think he will be going out too much anymore. He is very weak and hardly able to eat. He is wasting away. Talking is becoming more and more difficult for him. I told a friend last week that the hardest thing about all of this, is that there is nothing I can do to help him, and Donna told me that I was helping him just by being here. I hope so. I am living on the strength and kindness of friends and families. On Saturday I received two loving messages from good friends. The first email from Joyce was a message of strength, she wrote that I was a survivor and that I would survive this, and that I would be ok, something I really needed to hear. The other message from her husband Jerry was a thoughtful email about a special quality of Jim's which is his ability to draw anyone into his circle with his smile, and his laugh. Isn't that so true about Jim, he can go into any situation and within a few minutes is talking or laughing with someone.
Our friend Tim visited on Thursday and brought Jim a softball signed by a Unified Softball team from several years ago. The ball had been presented to Tim and Melinda as a thank you from the team. For those of you that might not know what unified softball is; it is a softball program for people of all ages with developmental disabilities. As Tim gave the softball back to Jim it was with a heartfelt "thank you" for the years that Jim has devoted to people with disabilities. As we sat and talked about those year's it brought back the memories of all the people involved; participants and their parents and supporters, and the absolute joy that was present during those games. Jim accomplished this.
He often wonders if he has left his mark well upon this world. I can tell you that for those players and their families, he did indeed make a mark, and he made a change in their lives. Jim has changed my life. He has made me feel loved and cared for in a way that I had not experienced before. Even writing this my breath catches and it's hard for me to write these words. He has been a loyal, wonderful partner and friend. I will miss him so much.
Love to all of you. Dawn