I'm having a hard time keeping track of what day it is. I catch myself all day feeling disoriented. I'm not sure how a person processes all the aspects of watching someone they love, waste away and die. Truly, that's what pancreatic cancer does to someone, they can't retain any nutrient, so they basically starve to death, or as they are starving and wasting away, their vital organs finally give in to the stress. I use the work "they" as I am writing this, but the "they" is Jim, and I don't know how to watch him die.
I watched couples come into the restaurant today, and realized by this time next year, I probably won't be part of a couple. I'll miss the friendship and the companionship that comes with being part of a couple, and I'll miss the silly things that couples do when they've known each other for a few years. I don't think I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared that I'll never feel that "partner" feeling again.
Jim continues to take care of the realistic aspects of all this stuff. Though today after heading to the "valley" as us Estes Parkers call the area along the front range, he was worn out when he got home, and rested for several hours. And for those of us that know him pretty well, know that's pretty atypical behavior for "on the go" Jim.
Thanks for all the thoughts, and prayers, and if anyone is really serious about wanting to help me, come to Wings West and help me pull weeds in the flower beds. I have a cast on my right food due to a torn achilles, which makes pulling weeds really difficult.
Love and peace to all of you.